Consent in Life and Play
What do we mean when we use the word “consent”?
We think of consent as an active, well-intentioned collaboration rooted in the autonomous power inherently held by every human being.
Building consensual, collaborative, mutually-awesome interactions requires that everyone involved possess a strong sense of personal autonomy, a desire for their partners to have as awesome of an experience as they are, and an informed perspective on the potential risks that might occur during or after that experience.
Autonomy
Autonomy is the conscious sense of personal rule over oneself, the ability to make one’s own choices without coercion or duress. It is the seed of consciousness blooming forth into self-actualization. Developing a personal sense of autonomy is a critical, and often difficult, step in every human’s spiritual growth–It requires fully believing in your own self-worth, in your innate, unique, and irreplaceable value as a human. Of course, once you’ve fully grasped the splendor of your worth, you must also recognize the inherent worth of every single human around you, too; they are beautifully autonomous universes with their own stories, just like you. Grasping your own as well as other people’s autonomy is necessary for opening up to the world outside of us and connecting meaningfully with other humans. We can’t fully embrace the warmth of connection if we’re blind to our own fire!
Autonomy is a skill
Your inherent worth is deeply powerful. It is innately human to want to leave your own mark on the world, and every single human alive is doing exactly that–Including you! Your very existence is shaping the world in unique and wonderful ways that you may not experience consciously. Autonomy, and for that matter, magick, begins when you intentionally shape the world around you in a way that’s meaningful to you. Even your smallest and most mundane of actions are a practice of autonomy! Directing your attention to the ways you directly impact reality is a great way to build the power of conscientious autonomy. We challenge you to do this right now! How can you affect something in the space around you right now? Why did that particular action jump out at you?
Desiring Autonomy for Others
Your choices are a direct reflection of your beliefs and values, as is true for everyone: “As within, so without.” Beautiful things happen when fully-realized people interact and create together. If your sense of self is strongly-rooted in your belief system then you’re less dependent on others’ choices for validation–Facing the possibility of acceptance or rejection is far less scary when you aren’t attached to, or dependent on, a particular outcome from another person’s actions.
Accepting Rejection as a Practice of Autonomy
For fully-autonomous people, rejection is a normal and accepted piece of interacting with other autonomous people. If you feel good about yourself, it is easier (though we’d never say it’s easy overall!) to accept others’ choices as a statement of their own autonomy rather than as a commentary on your worth, even if those choices involve rejecting you or your advances. You have the same power in turn; autonomy and consent always move in both directions.
Consent is Free of Coercion
If autonomy is the soil of self-actualization, consent is the vine that takes root and grows from it. We’ve posted before about consent within the context of sex and kinky play, but understanding consent is also important for navigating relationships. Consenting to something means that you are free to make your own choice without fear of punishment. Consent doesn’t exist in coercive or abusive situations; if one person punishes their partner for not making the choice that they want them to make, then they are not respecting the full weight of their partner’s autonomy. In non-coercive situations, consent moves in both directions. All choices naturally have consequences, of course, and an important piece of consent is possessing a strong-enough sense of autonomy and of your own self-worth to accept the consequences of your choices.
Consent is Fully-Informed
Consent also requires that you understand what exactly you are consenting to. If you agree to being tied with rope but don’t know that rope bondage can carry significant risk of nerve damage, then you are not fully-informed about the possible consequences of your choices. In non-coercive situations it is both parties’ responsibility to inform themselves as well as each other about the potential risks and consequences of their agreed-upon actions. When in doubt, defaulting to radical vulnerability and honesty with your partner, and self-reliance within yourself, is a wise move.
Boundaries
How do we determine what is and isn’t our responsibility in our relationships? Developing a strong sense of personal boundaries is an essential step in everyone’s self-actualization journey. Boundaries are the personal lines that we draw to specify where we choose for our interpersonal responsibilities to begin and end. Not understanding or agreeing with someone’s boundaries doesn’t mean that their boundaries or wrong, or that you’re wrong to disagree with them, nor does someone disagreeing with your boundaries mean that either of you are wrong! Relationships of all kinds flow most easily when everyone’s boundaries align organically, and it’s up to the people involved to collaborate on how to respect each other’s autonomy and boundaries in a way that’s positive for everyone.